The Shadow In Their Blood
by Komiv
Summary: It's a ten year countdown to destruction as Nathaniel goes from a newly conscripted Warden to a Warden-Constable struggling to unravel a plot before it's too late.
1. Ten

_9:31 (Ten years ago)_

* * *

The sounds of fighting outside had died down hours ago, long enough for his heart to stop racing and the boredom induced self-recriminations to return in earnest. There had been little else to do the past three days, all but ignored by the guards and surrounded by far too many memories.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Getting caught like that was bad enough, let alone in his family's own home. Not that it belonged to his family anymore, from what he'd seen and heard since receiving news of his father's death.

 _Grey Wardens broke into your family's estate and killed your father; Vigil's Keep has been seized by the Crown and granted to the Wardens…_

There was more to the story, he knew. But the man said to have helped betray King Cailan, who killed the Couslands in their own home, sounded so very little like the father he remembered. There must have been more to it than these victors let told.

It was easier to focus on that than the horrible realization that he was all that was remained of the once-noble Howes. Easier to focus on his failed attempt at vengeance, on his failed attempt to retrieve his family's remaining heirlooms, on anything at all but the one thing he couldn't change.

Footsteps echoed on the stairs to the dungeon and he hoped it wasn't more darkspawn. A guard entered first, setting a too-bright torch in the bracket on the wall before stepping back. The one who followed waited a moment before entering the lit area in front of the cell. Nathaniel didn't bother getting up, and after he caught sight of her face he was glad he had remained seated.

Maintaining an air of composure in the face of his father's murderer was a great deal easier when he didn't need to worry about standing upright. Especially when that murderer was _her_.

It would all sound like some kind of poetic justice when the bards told the tale in years to come, he had no doubt. Elissa Cousland, Hero of Ferelden, rising from the fires of her home's destruction to strike down the villain who betrayed and murdered her family. Then came him, like an afterthought, the fall of the Howes made incarnate as their last heir faced a disgraceful end in the dungeons of his ancestral home.

All hail the great hero Cousland. His father's murderer.

"Nathaniel Howe," Elissa came to a stop in front of the cell door. She didn't look much like the person he remembered from her father's court. The dark circles under her eyes were new, as was the battle-worn armor, her brown hair a ragged cut grown out. "And here I thought I was coming to find an accomplished thief, not a lost son."

"I see you remember me." He paused, looking her up and down in an obvious motion. "It's been a while. Aren't you supposed to be ten feet tall now? With lightning bolts shooting out of your eyes?"

"What are you doing here, Nathaniel?" Her voice fell flat with the dull edge of fatigue.

"I came to kill you, actually."

"Finishing what your father started?"

He watched her hands curl into fists at her sides and he narrowed his eyes. "Avenging him. And the rest my family."

She seized the cell bars, staring at him. "Your father _murdered_ my—!"

"I know what he did!" He interrupted, raising his voice. The guard stepped forward, but Elissa held up a hand to stop him. Nathaniel pushed on, rising to his feet. His anger gave him momentum. "I know what he did, and believe me I am sorry for what happened to your family. You deserved justice. But my father deserved—"

"Your father got what he deserved."

"Fine words coming from the one who killed him."

Her hands shook, but her voice remained deadly even. "Have you heard what happened while you were away, Nathaniel? Have you heard what he _did?_ "

"I heard enough."

"Unless you've changed so much in the past eight years, you would not be saying that if you knew the truth."

He moved forward close enough to look her in the eye. "Look. What happened to your family was horrible. The whole war was. But what my father did shouldn't have harmed my whole family. What of my brother? What of my _sister?_ What were their crimes?"

"I never saw your brother. Nor your sister."

"No, but you're here. You're here, they're not, and there's blighted _Grey Wardens_ roaming the halls of Vigil Keep like the Howes never existed."

"You're alive, aren't you?"

Nathaniel snorted softly and stepped back, spreading his hands. "So I am. But not for much longer, I'd imagine. Tell me, what's the going sentence for attempted theft and assassination of a celebrated hero? Vigilante execution? Or do you just leave it to one of the guards."

Elissa watched him carefully, dropping her hands to her sides. Nearer to her weapons, he noted. "You didn't assassinate anyone," she said.

"Only because you got here late. A few days earlier and maybe I wouldn't have had time to change my mind."

"Change your mind about what?"

"Killing you." He arched a brow. "I got here and you weren't. Eventually, I thought maybe I'd just take a few heirlooms instead. The Howes are pariahs enough as is without adding to our villainy."

"Varel said they caught you in the trophy room."

He smiled thinly. "Of course. Those Wardens showed up before I got very far. So here I am."

Elissa eyed him a moment in silence. "…did it really take four Wardens to bring you down?"

"I'm not sure I would count the first one. He went down far too easily."

"I'll take that as a yes."

"If you wish."

"And what would you do if I let you go?"

Nathaniel stared at her, not certain he'd heard her right. Was she mocking of him? Baiting him? He didn't know her well enough anymore to tell one way or another.

"I…don't know," he said, frowning. "Come back here, I suppose. You might not catch me next time."

"Is your life really so aimless now? I'm almost tempted to…" She trailed off and looked over her shoulder, back towards the stairs.

"To what?" Kill him now? He'd been expecting it since they caught him, after what happened to the rest of his family. Why she bothered with this farce was a mystery he didn't much care to solve.

Elissa shook her head and turned back to meet his eyes, if only briefly. "Nevermind. I'm letting you go—this time—on the condition you never show your face at Vigil Keep again. Come back anyways and I make no promises. Are we clear?"

Nathaniel didn't answer right away, too preoccupied with the notion he _must_ have heard her wrong this time. If he hadn't then he wasn't sure if it was her leniency or the exile that struck him more.

He knew what he would have done in her place.

He thought he knew what his father would have done, too.

But Elissa Cousland was neither him nor his father, no matter what she had done, and he wasn't sure how _that_ realization made him feel, either.

"I…understand."

"Good."

She left then, and the guards let him out a short time later. They returned his gear and equipment surprisingly intact, and proceeded to escort him out of sight of Vigil Keep. The lieutenant reiterated the warning about staying away once they reached the main road, and then they left him as well.

* * *

After a week of facing a world that remembered his father as a traitor, his family as no better, Nathaniel went back to the Keep despite Cousland's warning, or perhaps because of it. Surely there was some way he could redeem the Howe name, even if it died with him.

He hadn't the faintest idea of how to convince a woman he hadn't nearly forgiven to give him a second chance, but it was better than any of his other options. He didn't dare approach any other Ferelden nobles, let alone the King, and he doubted anyone else would react favorably once they recognized him. As it was, the guards at the gate looked at him as if uncertain whether they should shoot him on sight or inform someone of his arrival.

He sighed, raised his hands, and waited.

In the end, word was passed and the Warden-Commander came out with the captain of the guards. She waited just long enough for him to explain why he'd returned, and then promptly conscripted him into the Grey Wardens.

He didn't hate it as much as he thought he would.

Eventually.

* * *

 _A Wardens story for my For They Were Mortal continuity. They were obviously up to something when they passed through Kirkwall, but Grey Warden secrets don't leave the Grey Wardens (until they do). I thought I'd take a closer look at how the pieces move into place for what comes later in Inquisition._

 _Cross-posted from AO3._


	2. Nine

_9:32 (Nine years ago)_

* * *

The study door slammed shut behind him and Nathaniel couldn't bring himself to care about the lecture Varel would no doubt give him later. It wasn't the first time one of the Wardens had disagreed with their Commander's decisions, and, if Nathaniel had any say, it wouldn't be the last.

"I agreed to follow _you_ , Elissa!" He knew exactly how thick the Keep walls were and tempered his voice accordingly. "Not some blighted Orlesian!"

Elissa Cousland sat behind her desk—his father's desk, once, but no longer—and massaged her temples against the onset of another headache. The shadows beneath her eyes had grown to epic proportions in the last year, a permanent fixture on a permanently stressed face. Carefully, she set down the report she had been reading and looked up at him.

"I know, Nathaniel. Don't think you're the only one unhappy with this turn of events. Had I my way, I would leave one of you in charge in my stead. You, probably. As it stands…" She gestured to the report before her, with the First Warden's seal clearly visible in one corner. "The decision is out of my hands. I'm in trouble enough as it is without contesting orders arbitrarily."

Surviving the Archdemon, making deals with darkspawn, and Maker only knew what else had happened during the Blight that she had neglected to mention. They were probably lucky she hadn't been hauled off to Weisshaupt altogether.

"None of the Wardens here are any newer than you were when you first assumed command. What makes the difference now?"

Elissa's lips quirked. "No extenuating circumstances, for one. Had Alistair not stipulated my command as a requirement in granting Amaranthine to the Wardens, we probably would have had an Orlesian commander here already."

"If you were not about to abandon us like this, we still wouldn't be having one." Nathaniel gestured sharply at the door. "I can't believe you're going to—you may as well hand Amaranthine over to the Empress and be done with it!"

"Grey Wardens are Grey Wardens, regardless of their origins." She didn't need to raise her voice to make her authority audible. "I have to go, Nathaniel. Please understand that. I'll return if I can, but in the interim I would ask you to at least try to get along with my replacement. I would feel better in leaving, knowing you were here to help ease the transition."

Amaranthine's nobles had objected enough to a Ferelden Grey Warden taking control of the arling, he knew. At least he knew the circumstances that necessitated the induction of a new Warden-Commander at Vigil Keep, even if he detested what it meant. The nobles would have no such patience with a pretender from Orlais, even without dissenters like Esmerelle in their midst. An Orlesian infiltrator masquerading as an ally would find few friends and many enemies.

Once upon a time, he would have counted himself among the latter without question. He still wasn't sure he felt so different now.

His indecision must have shown on his face, because Elissa leaned forward and prompted him again. "Please, Nathaniel. If I ever ask anything of you, be it this."

"You said something similar before leaving me behind at the Keep while you ran off to fight the darkspawn in Amaranthine, I believe."

Elissa gave a small smile. "If I ever ask anything _else_ of you, then. "

He sighed heavily, dragging a hand across his face. It wouldn't be the worst thing she had asked him to do, he supposed, though not by much. "…very well. I will attempt to keep the peace here while you are away. Know that I make no promises of success, however. You have been here long enough now to know how the nobles will react."

"All the more reason for your support."

Nathaniel hesitated, and then added, "I would…come with you, you know. If you asked."

"I'm asking you to stay here."

Of course she was. Again. "I know," he said. "And I expect you to _return_ , understand?"

"Is that an order, Warden?" Her tired eyes glinted in amusement as she sat back in her chair.

He coughed and rubbed the back of his neck. "It should be. It will be considerably more difficult to repay you if you fall in some distant corner of Thedas."

"Well, I shall certainly do my best. I would hate to inconvenience you so." She let the moment hang between them before reaching for another report. "Let Velanna know I'd like to speak with her, when you see her?"

It was a subtle dismissal, but a dismissal he recognized nonetheless. He nodded.

"Of course," he said, and turned for the door, pausing at the handle to look back at her. "You…will come back, won't you?"

"Good night, Nathaniel."

"…Good night, Commander."

* * *

To her credit, Warden-Commander Leonie Caron, formerly of Orlais, took almost everything in stride upon her arrival at Vigil Keep. The exception was her first meeting with Oghren, a misstep for which no one could truly fault her.

To his credit, Nathaniel didn't put an arrow in her eye the moment she came in sight of the walls, nor at any point after that, which he thought showed remarkable restraint. Discounting the ill-fated Wardens who had arrived after the Blight, an Orlesian hadn't set foot inside the walls of Vigil Keep since the occupation. The distinct Grey Warden livery she wore helped to a degree, but he still fought the urge to twitch every time she spoke.

Elissa handled Caron's initial introduction to the Keep and its inhabitants, unofficially declaring her support for the new Commander before the rumors started in force. Nathaniel kept his tongue in check, greeted her politely, and helped steer conversation at dinner away from the terribly vicious. Not a sustainable act, perhaps, but good for a start.

He understood too well the value of first impressions.

Of course, then she had ruin it by tracking him down after most of the Keep had retired for the night. He had retreated a corner of the battlements to wean his frustrations on a set of new arrows, only stealing a few minutes of peace before he heard her approach. At first he thought she was one of the guards, and so ignored her; then he realized who she actually was and ignored her anew in hopes she would take the hint and leave.

She didn't. Poised as a noble at court, she padded over to the wall next to him and pretend to look out over the wall. He pretend to be absorbed in his work, until she spoke and his hands stilled.

"You do not like me, do you, Nathaniel?"

He chose his words carefully. "Have I done something to offend, Commander?" Maker, he hoped not. Having her here would be trial enough without her thinking he was against her, regardless of the truth.

Caron chuckled and looked over at him. "Do not think me oblivious. One does not last long around the Orlesian court without learning to read masks and false smiles. It is nothing I did not expect."

He narrowed his eyes. "You come from the Empress's court?"

"I was not always a Grey Warden, you understand, but I have been one for several years now. You need not fear my affiliations. You are Rendon Howe's son, are you not?"

"You're rather blunt for an Orlesian noble."

"I am a Warden, not a noble." She smiled, eyes sharp. "You are avoiding the question."

He scowled. "What is there to avoid? Yes, Rendon Howe was my father. I make no attempt to hide it. Anyone in the Keep could tell you the same."

"Yet this Keep belonged to your family for generations, did it not? It is curious, I think. To find you here, a Grey Warden under the command of the woman who killed your father. One wonders at your motivations."

His hand twitched and he curled his fingers in to contain the motion. "One wonders at how you know so much about my personal history, having only arrived today."

"I take care to know the people under my command," she said. "Particularly in circumstances such as these."

"And what circumstances would those be?"

"Ignorance does not suit you, Nathaniel. You are the son of a noble house; you must understand the politics of my assignment here."

"Many would rather a Ferelden remain in command of Fereldan Wardens," he conceded eventually. The night air chilled and he sat up straighter.

"And yet here I am. Bad enough to have Warden Cousland in command of your family's Keep, let alone an Orlesian, no?"

"Vigil Keep belongs to the Wardens now." His nails pricked his palm. "I have no say in who commands it and who does not."

"Do you truly believe that? You would so easily give up what should have been your legacy to inherit."

"Are you trying to provoke me?" Nathaniel snapped as Caron watched him expectantly. "I have long since denounced my father for his crimes against the Fereldan people. As you said yourself: I am a Warden now, not a noble. What else would you have of me?"

She paced a few feet away, clasping her hands behind her back. A breeze tugged at her hair and clothes, rustling Nathaniel's unfinished pile of arrows and waking the banners hung down the wall. He glared at her back and got to his feet, his promise to Elissa momentarily forgotten.

After a long pause, Caron spoke. "Can I trust you, Nathaniel? It is a strange question, I realize, but I must know. Can I trust you do what is best for the Wardens and the people of Ferelden?"

"I will defend this Keep to my dying breath, if I must," he said immediately, but then hesitated to continue. He watched her warily. "But…I recognize the commitment I made, becoming a Warden. I know those duties must take precedent when the time comes."

She gave a solemn smile. "Then I believe we will manage just fine, regardless of personal feelings. I came to Amaranthine because I must. I do my duty. That is all I expect of anyone else."

Nathaniel crouched down to gather his arrows, giving her a guarded look. "And what of the people of Amaranthine? They look to Vigil Keep to protect them from more than just darkspawn."

"The King of Ferelden granted Amaranthine into the care of the Grey Wardens. As a Warden, I could do no less than protect it from any threat that should appear."

"Any at all?" He stood and searched her face for some sign of duplicity.

Caron stood straight, replying with a clear voice that would not mislead her intent. "I would not betray the trust given to me. Of that be assured."

"I see." Nathaniel looked out over the wall, towards the city of Amaranthine. It was too far in the distance to actually see, but he could picture the lights on the walls in his mind all the same. He turned to stare at her intently. "Do not doubt I will hold you to that. Good night, Commander."

"Good night." She waited for him to return to the main keep before leaving the wall herself.

* * *

Elissa left the next morning, rising early and slipping out the gates with a pack and a horse to avoid the official send-off Varel had been attempting to arrange for her. Her Wardens, those four that remained, met her outside the Keep to see her off anyway.

Nathaniel leaned against the wall and smiled wryly, raising an eyebrow. "You didn't think you could really leave without saying good-bye, did you?"

"We understand wanting to avoid Varel, but the rest of us? You should know better by now," Sigrun interjected, arms crossed.

The former Warden-Commander shook her head, studying the lot of them. Nathaniel gave her a knowing look, having said most of what he needed to privately the night before. Sigrun glowered quietly, evidently still not quite over Elissa leaving them behind to go off on some quest. Velanna stood off to the side, reticent and watchful, but nonetheless intent as the rest. And Oghren…

Oghren waited for her to look over the others before vaulting forward to crush her ribs in something resembling a hug. She wrinkled her nose and grinned despite herself, returning the gesture.

"Miss me already, do you?"

"Not on your life," he announced. He stepped back and pointed at her. "But you listen here, you come back or by the stones, I'll…I mean, Howe'll do something nug-humpin' stupid, and then we'll all regret it. Got it?"

Elissa smirked over at Nathaniel, who had adopted pronounced scowl in the warrior's direction. Sigrun giggled and elbowed his side. The ex-commander inclined her head to Oghren. "I'll certainly do my best. I'd hate for you—I mean, Nathaniel—to get in trouble on my account."

"Damn right you will." He grunted and motioned at the others. "Alright, someone else go already."

Sigrun stopped harassing Nathaniel to wave at her. "Just so you know, if you stay gone too long then we're coming after you. I didn't ditch the Legion just for you to run out of us. So, you know. Just come back."

"Such little faith you all have in me," Elissa clucked, shaking her head. She shot a questioning glance over at Velanna. "You're not planning on dismantling the Keep if I don't return, are you?"

Velanna snorted quietly and shrugged. "You will do as you will. I doubt threats will change that either way." She paused then, looking away. "That said, you should know you will be missed. By some. You're…not terrible, for a shem."

"Such praise, from you. I'm honored." Elissa smiled. The morning sunlight was beginning to spread over the Keep walls, and she stepped back towards her horse. She looked to Nathaniel briefly, then the others in turn as she mounted the saddle. "Truly, I'm grateful for you all coming out like this, and for everything else you already know. I promise I'll come back, if I can. Now I really must go, before Varel finds out I'm still out here. Take care, all of you."

With that, she nudged the horse into motion and started off, the others watching until she passed beyond the trees. Nathaniel lingered longer, watching the tree line until Sigrun came back out to drag him inside. As usual, life at Vigil Keep moved on with little regard for Howes, Couslands, or Commanders alike.

* * *

 _Cross-posted from AO3._


	3. Eight

_9:33 (Eight years ago)_

* * *

It still felt wrong to report to the Commander's study and see Caron behind the desk instead of Elissa, Nathaniel thought. More so than Elissa usurping his father's place ever had, which truthfully had bothered him a great deal at first.

After dinner earlier that evening, Caron had taken him aside to ask that he stop by her office later. Although he attempted to put it off for a while, he could only put up with loud conversations and inane questions from guard recruits for so long. Velanna had disappeared as soon as the meal had ended and he envied her for it.

His new position as Warden-Constable made him considerably more conspicuous when he tried to sneak off, these days. People _noticed_ him.

He knocked on the door and waited for the faint call to enter before opening it. Lamps spread warm light through a room as spotless as it had been since Caron first took command. The Warden-Commander herself sat behind the neatly ordered desk, still wearing her uniform despite the late hour. Nathaniel spotted the seal on the report next to her arm and recalled suddenly the messenger who had arrived at the Keep that afternoon.

"You wished to see me, Commander?" he asked, closing the door behind him and arranging his expression into something suitably polite.

Caron looked up at him and nodded. "Yes, thank you. Have a seat, if you would. I am not sure how long this will take."

"Is there a problem?" Nathaniel frowned as he settled in the chair across from her, searching her face for some indication of what was wrong. Amarathine had been quiet lately, and the rest of the Order rarely bothered them.

She didn't appear to be concerned about anything, but she rarely did. Then she smiled before she continued, which made _him_ concerned. "Not at all. I've received a request from the First Warden," she said. "He wishes to investigate a dwarven expedition in the Deep Roads that took place two years ago. They managed to delve further than we had previously believed was ever possible, and he has reason to believe it may be of relevance to our Order."

Nathaniel furrowed his brow, nodding slowly. "Have our…allies had anything to say about it?"

"The First Warden wishes to contain knowledge of the discovery until we know more of what we are dealing with. Even the surviving members of original expedition have spoken little of what they encountered."

"Understandable…but what has this to do with me?"

Caron picked up the report marked with the First Warden's seal and held it out for him to take. "The Warden-Commanders have been asked to make recommendations of those we would send on such an investigation."

Nathaniel scanned the page briefly. Then he stared at her, brow raised. "You think I should volunteer?"

"You and perhaps Sigrun, given her extensive knowledge of the Deep Roads from the Legion of the Dead. You know already that I trust your judgment and your skills. I expect that your experience in the Free Marches may also prove to be of use, given the expedition's origin." She shrugged. "It is, of course, entirely up to you."

"I doubt I would find myself much more welcome in the Free Marches now than I am in Ferelden," Nathaniel murmured with a mind to several bridges long since burned, but he considered again the offer. Personal concerns aside, the ramifications of the found thaig were no small matter. If he could lend them his aid, could he rightly turn the offer down?

He returned the report to Caron, looking at the gryphon seal as he pushed it across the desk. "Do you need an answer right away?"

She shook her head. "The investigation is still months away from being formally put together. You have some time to think it over, if you need."

"Very well," he said. He drummed his fingers along the side of his chair. "Why me, really? You would be losing your second-in-command for however long this takes."

Unless that was intention, he supposed.

"Warden Cousland expressed her confidence in both your abilities and your loyalty when I spoke with her last, and I have seen little to discount either." Caron straightened another pile of other reports on her desk, watching him from the corner of her eye. "I was also impressed with the reports of your actions during the siege here last year. I have every confidence that you would be an asset to an expedition into uncharted territory, as I am confident Vigil Keep will find a way to hold while you are away."

She paused and then added, "You have also shown yourself to be highly capable of diplomacy when you have cause to use it, which I suspect will become necessary before the investigation ends. Simply put, the benefits outweigh the potential loss to us here."

He snorted quietly. What she called diplomacy, he might rather call it self-control. Yet he could not deny her logic, and that, perhaps, was what worried him the most.

"You disagree?" Caron asked.

"I…see truth in your reasoning," he said after a moment, meeting her gaze carefully. "But I would still like to think it over. I would not make so important a commitment lightly."

"But of course." The Warden-Commander inclined her head and motioned at the door. "Come speak to me again when you have made a decision, if you would."

"Of course."

He excused himself and slipped back out into the hallway, waiting for the door to close completely before he leaned back against the wall and shut his eyes. Diplomacy, as Caron named it, was exhausting.

He had long since resolved to serve the Grey Wardens to the best of his ability. Theirs was a noble cause, and he was still desperate to redeem his family's honor.

But it had been far easier when serving the Grey Wardens aligned directly with protecting the people of Ferelden and his highest point of authority was Elisa Cousland. Now Elisa was gone without more than a letter in the past year and he found the Wardens' duties extended further beyond Ferelden's borders the more time passed.

Nathaniel rubbed his forehead and forced his feet into motion, navigating the dark halls more by instinct than conscious action. Could he leave Vigil Keep in the hands of an Orlesian, even if she was a Grey Warden, and one he knew? For all that he professed to acknowledge that the Keep no longer belonged to his family, it had been easier to pretend nothing had truly changed with someone he trusted in charge and himself on hand to protect it.

A year gone already and still he held out hope that Caron's assignment in Amaranthine was merely temporary.

It felt too much like abandonment to leave it now, but he knew such thoughts were selfishness he could not allow himself. Sooner or later he would have to leave Vigil Keep, whether temporarily or when the Calling finally came for him. Perhaps it would be better to ease the break now when he had only been back a few years.

Eventually, he would have to accept that the Howes had fallen far enough that his family, what remained of it, would never recover in his lifetime. Vigil Keep was no longer theirs to protect.

He passed walls where portraits had once hung, Howe heraldry now years gone. The corridors of his childhood remained only in bones and memory, and even those now changed as the Keep saw further renovation and repair.

He swallowed a surge of uncomfortable emotion and stepped into his room, locking the door behind him. It was not the room he had grown up in, but he knew every inch of it the same. The east-facing window where sun shone through on mornings when he forgot to close the curtains; the knot in the ceiling that looked a bit like a nug if he turned his head to the left and squinted; the bed where he had spent weeks recovering after the siege; where he had first awoken terrified after his Joining.

Strange how quickly it had become home again after eight years in the Marches.

Caron had said it was his choice. He believed her, at least in that. He could say no and she would likely just recommend Sigrun alone. But the case for his participation in the investigation made too much sense for him to ignore.

Perhaps it was time for him to leave Amaranthine again, even if only briefly. For all that he had bled in its defense, Vigil Keep would continue to stand long after he was gone and the Howe name lost to infamy.

Choking as it was to admit, he knew that Leonie Caron would not let Amaranthine fall.

He stripped off his leathers methodically, tossing them over a chair before snuffing the lamp and climbing into bed. Crickets chirruped outside, familiar nighttime sounds drifting through the window. Darkness swallowed the room but sleep did not easily overcome the foreboding roiling in his chest.

* * *

The next day found him practicing archery by filling a target with as many arrows as he could without removing any of them, and it was there that Sigrun finally tracked him down. He suspected Velanna had helped, having seen the look the elf gave him when she passed through the training yard earlier. Usually they respected each other's solitude enough not to intervene unless asked, but he supposed this particular act of revenge had been coming for a while now.

Sigrun took a seat on a bench and watched him for several minutes in silence, so he continued as he had before she arrived. He managed to get four more arrows off, lined up one after the next down the side of the target, before she finally spoke.

"So Leonie talked to you, too, right?" the dwarf asked, kicking her heels idly. "About the expedition?"

Nathaniel lowered his bow and eased his stance, looking over at her. "She did. Do you intend to volunteer?"

She shrugged. "Probably. There's not much going on in Amaranthine these days. And, I mean, a thaig that old has to have something fun waiting around inside for us to find."

"Not to mention a new source of darkspawn for you to throw yourself at?"

Sigrun grinned. "Death isn't going to find itself, you know. We're running out of darkspawn in the Deep Roads around here. The Commander's too efficient. May as well start looking somewhere else, right?"

He shook his head and crossed over to begin pulling his arrows out of the target, grunting as a few refused to budge. "You're not going to wait for Elissa to return, then?"

Silence answered him as Sigrun leaned forward, frowning at him. He glanced at her a moment, then turned back to the target rather than meet her too-perceptive eyes.

"What about you?" she asked. "Think you'll go or stick around here more? I thought you said once that you never wanted actually wanted to stay in Amaranthine."

He braced a hand flat against the target for leverage in removing another arrow, aware of how his shoulders tensed. "I said that I didn't want to follow my father as Arl. But things changed."

"R _i_ ght," Sigrun drawled. She watched him quietly for a while longer before hopping down and walking around to drape an arm over the target to block his progress.

His eyes narrowed in annoyance. "Do you mind?"

"Not a bit." She smiled wide and he stepped back without realizing it, taking the arrow with him. The smile dropped. "But you do, don't you? We all wanted her to come back, but you're taking it especially hard. You thought she'd be back by now."

He didn't need to ask who she was talking about, Elissa's face flashing in his mind. His jaw tightened. "She said before that she didn't know when she would return. I know that."

Her brow furrowed in concern. "Sure, but you still hoped. And now hope is letting you down. You can't keep holding on like that, Nathaniel. It's…not healthy. Maybe she'll come back eventually, but you can't just keep waiting on the chance it might be tomorrow."

"I'm the Warden-Constable of Ferelden," he said with too much effort. "My duties lie here, at Vigil Keep. I can't just run off somewhere."

"Convenient, that." She arched an eyebrow. "Except now the Commander's handing you an opportunity to go somewhere else for a while and I'd bet a barrel Oghren's ale that you're thinking about turning her down."

Nathaniel turned and paced away to where he had been shooting from, though several of his arrows still remained in the target. "It's not about Elissa," he insisted. Silence echoed and he grimaced. "Alright, not entirely. I'm just not…ready. To leave Vigil Keep. It's complicated."

"Well, we've got time." Sigrun stayed where she was, working on retrieving the arrows he had left behind. "The guards aren't due to practice here for another hour. And I'm not going anywhere just yet. So: complicated. How?"

He sighed, emptying his handful of arrows into his quiver and pinching the bridge of his nose. "It just _is_. I can't just abandon this place. It was my home."

"Separation anxiety? Used to get that in the Legion sometimes, with the new guys. Letting go of everything is harder than they make it sound." Thunk. Clatter. The last few arrows dropped to the ground next to her. "It goes away after a while, though."

"I'm not sure I could forgive myself if the Keep fell while I was away."

"Oh, come on. You know the Wardens won't let that happen. The Commander definitely won't. Not that there's much to threaten it anymore, really. Maybe if your nobles decide to try something again, but it seems like even they've settled down. Oghren and Velanna will be here, even if you still don't trust Leonie."

"Perhaps that is what worries me," Nathaniel muttered.

"The investigation probably won't even take very long, you know?" Sigrun pointed out as she gathered the arrows at her feet. She took them over to Nathaniel and held them out. "We were trekking all over the Deep Roads after the Architect and the Mother, and that only took us a few months. You'll be back to lurk the halls here in no time."

"I don't…lurk…" He frowned, but took the arrows back anyway. He breathed in slowly and let it out, looking over at her. "You truly think I should go?"

"I think you could use a change of scenery. Darkspawn and old thaigs is as good an excuse as any, right?" She grinned.

Nathaniel snorted quietly and tilted his head, taking in the Keep walls rising around them. Guards walked the outer walls, but the day was calm and the surrounding countryside quiet.

He wondered how it was that peace came to suit him so ill that he sought out problems that might not even exist.

"I…" he started, closing his eyes briefly. "I'll speak to the Commander about it later."

"Great! Can't wait. I'll see you around, alright?" Sigrun clapped him on the arm and made her way back inside, whistling off-key.

* * *

Some time later, he found Caron in her office. The only change in the room was the reduced pile of reports at her elbow. She looked up as he walked in and raised a brow expectantly.

"Ah, Nathaniel," she said. "You have made a decision, then? Or is there something else?"

He hesitated, then shook his head before he could change his mind. "No, I've…decided. I'd like to volunteer for the investigation after all. Thank you for your recommendation."

She smiled and inclined her head. "Very well. I'll send the First Warden my response in the morning."

* * *

 _Cross-posted from AO3._


End file.
